What do you do when you love someone so much but they don't feel the same way? My approach was to make an attempt to mitigate that love I had, but that's obviously easier said then done. What had caused me to be so captivated? Why did I make myself so vulnerable? Maybe because I was a delinquent before but I've been able to change for the better and to focus on the bare necessities in life. However, I had only three priorities and neglected those which others find dear to them. I was only concerned with School, Girlfriend, and Work. Other matters bared no significance on my conscious such as family and friends, and I grew distant from them. I avoided all social interactions and maintained my "ideal" lifestyle so that I could perform well in school and yet receive the affection and nurture from a loved one. I must admit, that although I seem to be a very down to earth guy, always happy, outgoing, and I seem to have a lot of friends, that in contrast, I am in fact very antisocial.

That was one of the reasons in which created the downfall of our relationship. Our differences affected her immensely and might've created a void between us. I always loved her for her and as long as I was with her, I would be happy. However, she felt the need to be with me and her friends as well. I guess she wanted us to get along and if it was just us two, she would not be content with what was available. I understand why she reacted in such a way because I too would maintain close contact with those same friends, but for my selfish needs only. I only saw her friends because that was the only viable means of being with her and I do apologize for what I have done. That is why I always feel anguish whenever I am in their presence and make every attempt of avoiding them. Not because of their traits, but because of my own reasons. They were the nicest people you could ever meet, and because of my taking advantage of them, I could never repent for what I have done. Another factor was that we were seeing each other only one day of the week. It also didn't help that it was an hour ride for me to see her everytime, but it really hurts me to know that no matter the distance I traveled, I was more than happy to go beyond such lenghts in order to see her but she would never do the same for me. When I was 14, I can still recall taking 3 hour train rides at 2 in the morning every Saturday to see her, and not once has she ever done the same for me. I remember an incident where I told her my car was being repaired, and that we'll have to take the train together to my house, and she threw the biggest temper tantrum ever as if it were detrimental to take the train. See I wouldn't want her to take the train right in the middle of the night or anything that extreme, but as long as she sacraficed a little for me, I would've been more then appreciative.

I guess my ideas of a girlfriend have been influenced by what I have seen. I always thought a girlfriend should love you so much that they would hold your hand in public, display all kinds of affection and to go to great lengths to be with you. A person who will be with you through hard times and good times. I guess what I thought I wanted was what someone else had. Maybe what I had, wasn't the ideal girlfriend, but what I had asked for, is that honestly too much? I really don't think so, but if the recipient of the question would not agree, then maybe they don't love you. Everytime I saw what my brothers' girlfriends did, or how I would see couples in public would always make me envy at what they had. Maybe it isn't her fault... Could it be that my thought processes are wrong? I mean she was good at first when I would hang out with her friends. She'd purchase these small things, and crafted these little trinkets in her spare time for me which showed me that she thought about me while I was away. But in due time, those same things went awry. Phone calls stopped coming, we haven't seen each other in a while, and no more little presents to show me that she cared...

Despite the consequences of my beliefs, I am more than grateful for those wonderful 4 years we had together and that I really do wish it could have been longer. Most people who break up I see always bicker and remain cold hearted but I have no ill will towards her. Now that I am single, I can be certain that I will benefit in the long run from this occurrence. I am a little sad and disappointed that what I have imagined would happen will never become. Not because of any outside interference but because in my heart, no matter how much I show or express my love, she will never love me for who I am, and that's why I regret to say, it would be highly unlikely that I would ever make any attempts to reestablish our relationship and to relinquish what I so dearly cherished. I would however like to say that regardless of the incidents that have occured, that I would love her always, and that no matter what decisions she makes in life, I will always be happy for her, even if she's with someone else. As long as she's happy, then I'm happy.

Before I do go, I would like to apologize to all those who I have neglected. Mostly to my sister and mother. Even though I never say it, but I honestly love my sister and mother so much. I know I have never done anything to prove it, and that I maybe a bad brother, or son, but I feel that it's sometimes hard to communicate to the two of you. I really do love you guys with all my heart and it just pains me to know that I can't express it thoroughly because of the language barrier that prevents me, but maybe through this message, I'd somehow let you know.